TANF is a fucking joke.

if another person I am close with, that I work for, dies, I am going to jump off a fucking bridge.

The truth is, I don't think anyone really knows.

luckily I don't read the paper so I'll never see that.

everything in life is fucking fuzzy and everyone is dying but I have to be ok with it.

blue.
blue and gray and sort of green and spotted. they call it mottled, the pooling of blood to the extremities. I found him first, laying there on his stomach not moving, not breathing I said, "wake up Don, wake up Don, fuck me jesus christ c'mon Don."

less than 12 hours in the facility, that really is some sort of record and everyone was so unaffected but not me. because I held his hand for three hours while he couldn't breathe. "at least we didn't know him." bullshit. I was his angel. Angels know. I knew. I knew he needed a cold washcloth and some ice water. I knew his cancer was terminal. They said 2 months, honey he didn't have a day.

The paramedics looked just as shocked, not that I could look anyone in their warm eyes full of life. Probably because of his position on the floor, hindsight and all - his bed that wasn't his but Emma's who passed just a week ago, was too small, should have been against the wall to prevent it but he released his bladder while he was still on the mattress so it is safe to assume the fall did not kill him but was the end result of a long night struggle to breathe on an oxygen machine that wasn't his, either. Grace's. He was only 75.

Happie Last Day at the Sands, erica.

Silverchair forever and ever. Pro ana boys are hardcore. I am thinking still seriously of adopting my cousin, and once I get passed the probation period at this Pharmacy job I'm getting I can afford (kindof) to have a three year old running around. Because she is my blood and that is more important than anything and it may or may not have anything to do with my slim to nil chances of pregnancy.

I curse you doctor miller.

My tumor hurt SO BAD today I wanted to cut it out myself. It felt like a sinus headache in my lymphnode.

"You ungrateful little brat! When I was your age we lived in a DUPLEX. We didn't even have our own HOUSE!" We're getting another duplex just like hawn street only like the ones Chet gave up to his wife in the divorce on Belladonna. Chet, ha. ha.

the clock chimes and heaven and nature sing. it's pretty. pretty pretty girls.

something smells like old fish vomit. the vomit of seafood.

i'd like to put some kevlar between you & my heartstrings.

or you know, not that at all.

so i sit on my white tile bathroom floor knees up against my chest and my eyes are burning burning the soul has come back and is melting ice out of me through my eyes. and i'm reading howl and a collection of other poems, america- for one -my favorite.

i feel alive and messed up and what are those lights that freeze time for seconds? like someone cut up the streaming film into pieces and took out all in betweens that create fluidity.

what will become of us? of everyone? the worms will get you in the end. I've seen it! I've given hug and comfort to a dying man in his last week who wouldn't let me go. He was saying his good bye to this stranger because she was the only one around.

It is scary at night. 40 rooms of death. 40 rooms of forgotten souls waiting waiting in line for their number to be called. I won't talk about work anymore tonight.

I was on that floor in my bathroom thinking of sharp things and of being rescued in a different bathtub in a different city. Where nothing changes and nothing is ever the same. And of being hated and what a real drag that is when you cause it.

It is apparent that my boyfriend doesn't love me - because I never loved a soul the way I should have and that is how the circle of things seems to work. He is me before I was who I am. And I apologize! And I make love to him with real energy and spirit and I feel electricity through my skin. I don't deserve anything I have unless it is bad, but I don't want to be a martyr and I'm not looking for attention I want to sit in the back of the class eating vegetables and saving the world while everyone else goes on living.

Don't tell me about the good book-- I'll preach to heaven and beat the hell out of you.


every madman needs an author.

I am failing at all things and for now, that is ok. I think there is a pubic hair on the alt key.

it's a lousy day. I was reading my poetry "the gestational years" when everything rhymed and everything was beautifully depressing.

But this is a happie time. [question mark]

I want everything to be perfect. I want my boyfriend to not play STARCRAFT tonight. I want to listen to aimee mann because today I watched Magnolia for the ________th time.


Let my people go or I will plague your country with frogs.

everyone's the same and on and on.

I guess I don't understand why Amtrak is so expensive.

I miss Annie. Why do I always end up missing Annie? Everything is so strange. In my head I'm still living two lives, not one. The question is, do I think going to Redding will merge these seperate lives into one, or will it further create a distinction between the two of them?

Will everything fall apart?


WILL I?



I don't want to be a pharmacy technician.

somethings i just refuse to remember. it might have something or nothing to do with listening to husker du by myself while I walk to work. dodging crab spiders and their sticky wet web houses. pretending not to notice.

the numbers below are lies, the numbers that surround are sad truths.

so many projects, so many people to impress. so many friendships to work so hard to keep.

"I'm still waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet."
What do we do when we stop waiting for these things? Stop believing in them?



It's so much more complicated than love.

You should have let me know.

the house is firing bullets. the foundation is collapsing, magically the attic is suspended in mid air due to my force field that also acts as an anti-gravity mechanism. i really am lucky.

do you think if i change my outlook on things, that things themselves will follow suit? if i pretend to be lucky i will be.

did you know that I know a member of the biggest KISS tribute band. Well I do. He sucks at life.

she's drinking again. I'd hire a hitman but that's just not cost effective.

as a general rule, brit-pop blows balls, but Bloc Party is kinda alright.
alliteration or bust, bitches.

Luna Sea
Night kills day and I'm watchin the sun die. Livin moon takin up the whole sky. Live moon don't care about a dead sun. Luna's begun. Darkness might never come to end.
Vetiver

One step closer the ceiling and all the insulation surrounds me. A-frame beams and warm sun light through the little cracks. Safety inside small crawl spaces and construction zones.

Put up maps of Africa, Indonesia, Asia and the Pacific. Taking up more space as my time grows shorter.

I remember simple things.

it is definitely unmetal to wake up next to florence henderson.

things just keep creeping me out.

i need to go walk on the beach. the LONGEST BEACH IN THE WORLD, beat that, mr elitist.

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others:

the place they go to
become ashes and so many
more brothers and sons

his anal canal
went to a show last night that
didn't quite exist it

school boys are cute and
if you were me i don't want
to be funny all

i wish i had a
camera so everyone
could see the wizard

dyke lookin man is
screamin eric and the plants
and the animals

have to go i have
lymphoma or a dirty
boy in a shanti

lies everyone tells
mr media won't you retire
your fabrications